Weirdness

‎”We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 

Dr. Seuss

The Legitimacy of Rape

I’m not so young or unaware that people often say really stupid things. I’ve been known to say stupid things to and I’m sure everyone knows someone who speaks without thinking or just says the daftest things. But picture this, you know you are a public figure; you might even be running for a prominent political or religious position, then where the hell is the thought process that filters the crap that comes out of your mouth. Really if you are looking to be in a position of influence or high public visibility there definitely needs to be a very distinct brain to mouth control. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m really bothered by the latest crap I’m hearing being discussed about legitimate rape. I’m sorry but there is no such thing as an illegitimate rape, a fucking rape, is still a fucking rape. 

Picture this: you’re in a club or bar or wherever you go to hook up with or meet people. Let’s assume for this scenario you are both the legal age for consensual sex and alcohol. You see someone that you’re interested in and they seem to be interested in you too. Unsurprisingly you both lean in kiss, have a few more drinks than you ought to and before you know it you’ve gone home together. The question is how much of that decision has been influenced by alcohol or any other intoxicating substance, and would you have done this sober? 

Scenario 1: After having had sex, do you turn to face the other person with guilt/remorse/disgust? Whatever the emotion, regretting the actions that lead you here let’s say you turn away, hoping the other person will have left by the time morning dawns. Come morning you wake to find the other person having sex with you again. You protest, try to pull away, but your forced back down, and told to enjoy it like you did the night before. Afraid, yet regretful you lie back to await your fate. 

Scenario 2: Once you get home, you go to the bathroom to freshen up, and you’re a smart person, so while you are splashing water on your face you think about the consequences of your actions. Do you have any idea who his person is, do they have a STD, a criminal record, or maybe you’ve just changed your mind, might be the person you see in the light of day looks and feels different from the person in the darkness of the club a few hours ago. You tell the person you’ve changed your mind, and to leave. Instead the person ignores your words and continues nonetheless for the task you both come here for. Maybe the person is too drunk or sexual to understand what it is they are doing to you. Maybe the person doesn’t care. 

Scenario 3: You are married. You’ve had an awful day at work, and you just want to go to bed and pretend this day never happened. Before you’ve fallen asleep your partner comes from home, and initiates sex, you say no, that you’re not in the mood. Your partner doesn’t care, they want to have sex and as the lawful partner you are required to give it up. Your partner forces themselves onto you and you give in as you don’t have the will or energy to fight today, the day has drained you completely. You oblige unwilling or willing, it’s irrelevant, truth is you didn’t want this, not today. 

In my world, and realistically (it should be in everyone else’s world too), all three scenarios lead to rape. The issue of legitimacy really doesn’t come into it. Legal partner, or random stranger, rape is rape. No should mean no, whatever the circumstance. And people should be able to say no, and know that the no should carry weight. 

The great tragedy about human interaction is there always depth to people, misunderstandings, miscommunications, regrets, and people changing their minds. I read someone’s article the other day and she made the most horrific statement, and whilst it is horrific it is hard to deny how truth it was. “There are also going to always be people who are capable of and will carry out sexual assault or rape”. And it’s those people who should be prosecuted to the fullest and hardest extend of the law. So yeah, when someone who doesn’t understand how consensual sex or rape works, it does make me mad. Really, really mad. I never have, and probably never will suffer fools gladly.

Anyways final thought - maybe it’s important to remember or understand that if someone is intoxicated, they are NOT CAPABLE of consenting in any circumstances. If someone you are sexually active with is intoxicated, let me make it clear you are taking advantage of them. 

OK.. vent over.

The Untapped Power of a Smile

It’s been a while since I logged into a dating site, it’s been even longer since I’ve been on a proper date. I’ve been introduced to a few people over dinner here and there, but I’m talking about proper butterflies in your stomach anticipation nervous date here, and it’s been a while since I had a date like that.

Somewhere down the road and I can’t even put my thumb on it, I just simply stopped dating. The furthest I went was admiring someone from afar. And even him (or her sometimes) barely got a smile from me. Something strange happened several weeks ago, I was on my way to Denmark Hill and a young chap was seated to the left of me. I could see from the corner of my eye, every so often he was looking at me. At the risk of sounding up my own bum hole it happens quite often, I catch the eye of someone and they simply can’t stop from looking :P I’m usually fairly unbothered by it, it’s happened since I was in my teens and sooner or later you just become immune to it. This was initially no different. Except right at the end, when we got to the station, he locked eyes with me and gave me a smile. Not a forced smile, a really nice genuinely warm smile. Strange I didn’t recognise or acknowledge what this guy even looked like, right until that moment. But he caught me off guard, and I responded with a forced smile, little more than acknowledging his smile. It wasn’t until he walked past me that it even registered that the guy was good looking and probably the kind of guy I might have asked out. And I let him walk past without any mutual acknowledgement or even so much as a hello.

That got me thinking about the vibe I must be giving off at the moment. A cold hard unbothered persona. And despite the knowledge that I’ve been emotionally cut off from guys and dating, it wasn’t until that moment that I realised the degree it’s still prevalent.

Strange what a single smile from a random stranger can invoke within you.

Singletons

As Christmas nears and conversation turns very seasonal, it’s not entirely surprising just how often conversation turns to relationships. I did a quick sum in my head of those I consider my closest friends (I restricted this to 15) and was really surprised at the statistics. Of those 15 people, 9 were single. As a statistic that’s 60% that are single! And that really surprised me (except the one who is a widow), coz realistically these friends of mine have been looking for a partner fairly actively for quite some time now and wow that did blow me away. The more I thought about it the more I really did struggle to answer why the hell so many of them are single.
 
Are we simply becoming fussier at choosing and accepting partners, or are potential partners that unsuitable, or are we simply too shy to ask out those who we fancy?
 
Take one of my gay mates who was up to recently dating a guy, who after 2 months, and a holiday in Italy together, deigned it time to tell my mate that his long time plan was to marry a girl. I’m glad to say that my mate dumped his sorry butt instantly. I know I haven’t actively been out there dating scene in a while but seriously have we not got past the mindset that gay guys need to get married to a girl yet? I wonder whether this is the reason why so many people are single; maybe they’re just having their time wasted by idiots like that, and yes I do seriously think that guy wasted 2 months of my mate’s life – 2 months that he is never going to get back. But then that said I see one of my mates who very recently met his new guy and man they look so cute together it makes this aimless random dating people go through worth it. Hmmm also maybe I should point out that one of my closest mates is also one of those gay guys that still talks about getting married, although that has waned more recently with his increased acceptance of his sexuality, but every now and then he does mention a girl and getting married, and me being me, it’s sometimes quite hard to not roll my eyes. But he isn’t really out there dating people or wasting their time.

A 24 Hour Deficit

I swear it feels like each day at the moment is just too short.. and funnily enough it feels short by all 24 hours.

I've been meaning to post something for weeks without much luck. But as today marks (I think) the third anniversary of me fully coming out to everyone in my life (family included) I suppose the subject demands some limelight.

What a long and arduous journey it has been. It's had joy, tears, pleasure, anger, love, fear, passion, confusion and a whole bundle of laughs.

Maybe it's the fact that I've been conversing fairly recently with someone who is still at the infancy of his journey in discovering who he really is and who he wants to be.. that as I stand here.. I truly feel the magnitude of what it is I've managed to achieve in the last few years.

As you all know I'm always keen on preserving the anonymity of those I blog about so for the purposes of this post we'll call said guy Jazz.

Well what to say about Jazz - I met him a few years ago during a fashion show I took part in.. in aid of a charity I've been an avid supporter of for many years now. I quite literally jumped up at the chance to partake in a fashion show to help them raise much needed money. Anyways I knew even then that he was more than likely to be gay but with some guys you feel that they aren't ready to embrace that aspect of their life yet or discuss it so you tend to give them their space.

Anyways in typical me mode I'm digressing.

One thing I wish I had when I was coming to terms with my sexuality was someone to talk to, someone to tell me how it is, someone to offer words of advice, someone to reassure me things were gonna be okay, someone to vent to, but most importantly someone just like me who knew what I was going through and was there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to. Someone to act as that support network so essential when taking those first few steps.

I never did have that and well I know how hard that is and was.. so I do try and be that someone when I can. I can see myself being that support for Jazz. And well truth be told even if I help Jazz with 1% of his journey.. it'll be well worth it. Maybe in a year or 10 when Jazz's completed his journey.. he might help somone else who might need a shoulder to lean on or a hand to steady them or someone to remind them they aren't alone. I've always loved the idea of pay-it-forward.

Well I'm not pyschic so I don't know whether this would have happened without a little push from me but Jazz has just started university and with a few words of encouragment he told a few of his uni mates he was gay. As someone who had never really told anyone he was gay.. I told Jazz that uni was a great opportunity to be whoever the hell you want to be (sometimes I wish I knew that back then), but he took my advice and told his closest girlfriends and well they took it great and I hope those positive reactions will carry him forward for sometime to come.

Anyways guess all I wanted to say was.. no matter who you are or where you are in your journey... never forget there are lots of others sailing that boat with you. Be yourself. It ain't easy but things do get better - take me as an example. Don't regret the people I've told even the few that reacted negatively.

Peace.

Ams' iPhone

M Is For Marriage

I've always thought that people who dwell too deeply in the lives of others usually do so because they are so unhappy with their own lives.. that interfering, condemning, goading, not supporting, applying pressure, expecting from or even gossiping about others - gives not only some semblance of purpose to their miserable shitty existence.. but for those moments they forget how shite it is to be them.

Is that a harsh point of view? Maybe, maybe not, but I think as I think. Maybe I'm acidic about it coz I'm a little frustrated about it right now.

Recently I graced the shores of India - after almost 10 years and if I'm being honest with myself I never liked being there even 10 years ago.

The worst thing about India is that the substantially different culture and mentality of the country's inhabitants are harder to digest than stone. 

As an unmarried 27 year old in India.. I'm at the latter end of the "appropriate age" for marriage and this means EVERY person in my family older than me is married or engaged. 

So what does this mean to me?

Well it means that I'm fair game and it is the personal responsibility of ALL the elders in India (by elders.. I mean those my age & above) to ensure I'm tamed and settled down immediately. And this should be done without holding back. It's a matter of importance that can not be given anything less than their full-focus.

This apparently isn't so much in my interest mind.. it's about me looking after Masi (Aunt) and my parents.. which according to every familial resident of India is the responsibility of my currently non-existent wife.

Now I do appreciate that those of my grandparents generation want to see all their grandchildren married, settled and producing 'sprogs'.. and I even can stomach them saying as much. Honestly.. I can. 

What it is that pisses me off is the undue pressure and constant harranging. Like serious.. tell me once a few times when you meet me.. maybe a couple more times as you talk to me.. maybe even a parting comment.

But seriously 163 times in less than an hour? That takes the biscuit in my book especially when that's the first and only time I'm ever likely to meet you.

And I swear that was the amount of times just one person went on about it.. you can imagine how many others were like that.. none quite as bad mind but still there were several contenders very closely behind.

The flash of annoyance and anger that must have been evident on my face everytime someone so much as mentioned the word marriage must have carried. I'm sure of it. I don't suffer fools gladly and have always been crap at masking my annoyance.

When I was asked if I had a girlfriend.. it was easy enough to say NO.. it's true afterall. There is no girlfriend. No-one asked if there was a boyfriend. That would have been harder to evade. I would certainly not have lied and said no if someone had asked but I would not have answered. It would have been a case of evade evade evade.

I will note that despite everything I didn't cave into the pressure.. which I have to admit was far worse than I had anticipated. 

But what got me.. and it REALLY REALLY did get me.. was the realisation that I'll never be able to have a partner that truly fits into my all aspects of my life. I will never be able to escape it. I will forever be awkwardly single, unmarried and incomplete as far as all these people are concerned. Wifeless and empty.. never able to share my love, my life, my partner openly, freely, comfortably or happily. I will forever have a shield around my life.. a guard of privacy and isolation. I'll never be able to walk into a room of family members with my partner as my partner. To them I'll be alone. Forever and always.

And for someone whose family is as important as it is to me.. well that hurt. That hurt more than I can articulate.

And that for reasons that I couldn't fathom.. that really really depressed me. I had thought I was past this. Past allowing this to hold me down. Past letting it affect me. Past caring. But guess like so many other things.. I must have been kidding myself.

Sent from Ams' iPhone.              

The Muddy Waters of '09

As the end of 2009 creeps closer and closer the sum of the highs & lows of the year gone comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave. What can I say on how this year has fared?

This year like many before it, has been an evolutionary journey of self-discovery, grit, frustrations, love, successes and failures, amongst many other things. Each step on the rung of the ladder has highlighted the need to establish priorities and find balance with the multiple aspects of my life.

Whilst I have struggled with some destructive relationships I also found love in the most unexpected of places, in the most unexpected of people this year.  I have made new friends, built indestructable foundations with some, lost or walked away from few, but worse I have neglected some, and sadly I don't think there has been a shortage of these this year. I will ensure that the New Year brings appropriate changes to that front. This year has seen me rid myself of some bad habits, some bigger, more noticable than others.

Mentally & emotionally this year has been a turbulent ride. I feel like the more I reach out and try to hold on to things from my past and present the faster they slip away.

Things I've learnt this year:
- It will take me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- I'm capable of continuing on long after what I think I am
  capable of.
- People who love me dearly, sometimes don't know how to
  show it.
- People who I love dearly, don't always know.
- It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes I
  have to learn to forgive myself.

Now, I eagerly await the birth of 2010.

For all those that stop here, I wish you a successful New Year. Wishing you all laughter, happiness, love, health and prosperity.

Peace

Sent from Ams' iPhone

Butterfly

There are millions of butterflies
Yet only one I call a friend

There are a thousand reasons why
But I can only think of one

It’s the only one that called me broken
Yet it said it liked me

Only broken butterflies can’t fly after all
It thinks me strange

I trapped it in a jar
Couldn’t bear to let it go

But then I saw it shed a tear
So I let it go

But it said maybe I needed a friend
So it refused to fly away

I leaned in and said go fly away
Go be with those like you

It shook its head and bit its wings off
It held them out

For you so you can be free it said
Then it fell asleep

There might be a million butterflies
Yet only one I called a friend

Pleasant Surprises

I’d like to think I know my friends pretty well. But there are always moments when one says something that even in a million years you’d never have been expected or even been prepared for.

Hmm I’ve kinda lost track of the names I’ve given some friends for blog purposes, but for the illustration of this post, we’ll call said friend Yazelda.

Several months ago, Yazelda invited me and a few other close friends to his place for a sleepover. Now hold tight for this statement: But as a kid I was never really allowed to partake in anything resembling a sleepover – unless it was family. So as an aspect of my repressed childhood I usually leap at suggestions of sleepovers - invitation in hand off I went (old familial restrictions no longer hold sway with me).

So as part of the evening entertainment – we decided to play “Truth or Dare”. Now there was a time ago where the idea of playing such a game (and the dares that could ensue) would have had me trembling in fear but the years have made me coarser, blunter, less reserved, shameless and more confident.

I don’t think I got any dares or truths that even came close to making me blush but what caught me off guard was when someone asked Yazelda the question ‘with exception of your boyfriend, who in this room would you go out with?’ (maybe it was have sex with.. I don’t recall)’.

Now as far as I’m concerned Yazelda is by far the best looking guy in the room.

Now with several good looking guys in the room – the Dancer, the Italian (I’ve definitely mentioned him before), the PR Boi (cute and sweet), and Lips (damn the guy has the brightest pink lips I’ve ever seen - FYI the second best looking guy in room after Yazelda in my opinion) – I’m therefore totally unprepared when yazelda says ‘Amit’. I was expecting him to say Lips or Dancer.

I’m sure I’ve misheard. I know I don’t look like a troll but I don’t expect to be picked over Lips or the Dancer. I just don’t. It's only when he looks up and smiles that it sinks in that he did indeed say me.

Strange. That really really did surprise me.

Just goes to show that you should never think someone is out of your league. Takes me back to high school.. when I fancied this girl called V. Man I dotted over this girl for over four years, and on the fifth year of knowing her, when the crush had lost its hold.. I was a little drunk when I turned to her in a pub, took hold of her shoulders, looked her in level in the eye and said ‘You know.. you might not have ever known this. But I had the biggest crush on you in high school’. She kept her gaze level and said ‘Well you might not have known this but I had a crush on you too back then.’

So the motto is: Never hold back. If you fancy someone, or ever fancied someone that doesn’t know.. do yourself a favour and go tell them. You never know what the result will be.

Congrats

Is this a dream? Yes yes yes it is..

He leaned in closer and they gazed into each other's eyes.

"What you looking at?" One said to the other.
"Have I told you that you have the most amazing eyes"
"Who me? Nah that's just you being cheesy"
"Shuddup fool. Why is it so hard for you to take a compliment?"
"I dunno. I don't see myself in the same light you claim to see me in"
"You always were a little crazy. So what did you wanna ask me?"
"This might sound kind of crazy but why don't we move in together?"
"No"
"No?"
"Yeah. No"
"Why not?"
"Coz I have a better idea"
"Really? And what's that?"
"Marry me!"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah"

I guess I should say congratulations.

So Why?

I don’t fall for anyone easily.

Nope siree.

No way.

Not a chance.

I’m easily flattered though.

But fall?

Nope.

I’m often easily taken by someone.

But fall?

[SSD shakes his head]

I occasionally even blush.

Rarely.

Believe me it has been known to happen though.

But.

And.

I.

Stress.

This.

I.

Certainly.

Definitely.

Don’t.

Fall.

Hard.

Or.

Easily.

So why does it feel like I am?

What's In A Word

For some strange reason whilst I’m completely comfortable with being gay now and happy to tell anyone I meet that I am BUT (and its a big but) I can’t use the phrase.. I’m gay.. it’s always I’m not straight.

Strange that.

Colour

I just felt that the former blog's look was just a tad too drab.

Pah I'd forgotten how much of a pain in the ass changing the template can be.

Well I'm pleased to say I like the final outcome.

Kinky Boots

I don't think I've ever been a Man's Man. You know the kind I mean. I've never been into sports, cars, DIY.. I'm oblivious to all that.

But then that said I don't think I've ever been particularly feminine either. I certainly don't do the elaborate hand gestures when I talk and when I do play the gay card I more often than not, put it on... shrieking OMG just doesn't come naturally. Don't get me wrong: it a bucket load of fun sometimes to play gay..

It's almost like fate comes along and gives me a good kicking when it appears I might be forgeting what it means to be gay.

My friend Chris shrieked in horror the other day when we were talking gay, drag and boots, when I admitted I'd never watched the movie Kinky Boots. Truth be told I'd never even heard of it. Suffice to say, it took her no more than a day to start the process of rectifying that.

I don't review well.. but for those who might not have seen the movie - I stress - GO AND BLADDY WELL SEE IT. The word fabulous barely does it justice.

[Soul Seared Dreamer sings: These boots are made for walking. And someday these boots are gonna walk all over you]

Sadness

I can't honestly say I'm back - but for some strange reason the desire to blog again has resurfaced and I won't fight it. Maybe it's a good thing.. maybe it means I'm getting back to my old self.. maybe its nothing more than boredom.

What fills me with sadness about being around in the blogosphere again - is just how many blogs I followed, & loved, seem to have disappeared, or have simply been abandoned.

Rediscoveries

Everyone has a few favourite songs.. the origins of why they are so are often so insignificant that it is difficult to put a finger on it, or sometimes so momentous that the reasons are etched into the very depths of the song.

Yet there are songs which have not graced my ears in soo very long, which, despite the harrowing effects of time I can still literally mouth word to word without so much as a mistake.. yet strangely I often struggle to recall things that are actually important like people’s names, birthdays, where we first met, what they were wearing yesterday, the length of their hair, secrets they shared with me.

Having been born into a Western Country makes me take my understanding of the English language for granted sometimes. Strange thing with the English language is how words, sentences can only mean or imply a single meaning. It’s not often I sit there and attempt to interpret what is being said, or what a specific sentence means. It’s incredible how other languages aren’t actually like that. Hindi for instance can not be interpreted with any kind of ease, each word, each nuance, each sentence can mean a multiple of things. Each one unique to the interpreter’s own understanding, own philology, fluency and passion. The only true & accurate interpretation can come from the origin itself.

I recall when I did the translation of two very specific songs from a Hindi film called Jodhaa Akbar: Jashn-e-Baharaa and In Lamhon Ke Daaman Mein. I literally put my heart and soul into deciphering what every single word meant. I lost count of the people I had to contact to get their interpretation of specific lyrics in those two. It was a mixture of Hindi and Urdu, and not basic Hindi and Urdu but Elite Hindi and Urdu, which surprisingly is very difficult from the casual basic variety. I felt like the only person who could honestly tell me would have been A. R. Rahman who composed those songs.

It amazes me just how much I threw into that translation. I’ve done many others over the years but never one so tough and challenging; I can’t explain the satisfaction when I completed them.

I was browsing Shell’s blog when I read a comment about her appreciate of music, and it made me think of two songs Zara Zara, from Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein, and Kehna Hi Kya, from Bombay. I had both songs on my iPhone and whilst listening to Zara Zara I began writing the lyrics down in English. I knew I had already translated Kehna Hi Kya a while ago but never before had I attempted to do Zara Zara. I enjoyed every minute. Its great when you rediscover a hobby you really enjoyed but don’t do anymore.

Here’s to rediscovering the things I don’t do anymore.

Damn

You know you've been away too long when it's a struggle to remember your password.. damn!

14 tries and I can't recall which one worked.. not a great start.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

Having grown beyond its constraints.. the Butterfly emerges.. it's transition complete.. who would say that this creature could emerge from such a simple thing as a caterpillar. That's now I feel with the very world laying at my feet.

I feel a few updates are necessary - this may or may not be relevant or interest you but oh well:

1. I handed in my notice at work almost 3 months ago and finish working with my current employer in 3 more days. I'm sad to leave but the heart desired a greater challenge.

2. I'll be starting a new job in April. Which gives me just over a month to acclimatise and relax and unwind and to this end I'll be ditching the UK shores & spending 2 weeks in Dubai and just under a week in Barcelona.

3. Olli didn't call

4. Cue S. S for clarification is the guy I met when I went to see a performance of Oliver Twist. Jay bless was so not acting cool that night. But oh well everyone needs to be embarrassed once in a while. LOL.

5. GIL has invited me to the Science Museum tmrw night. Jay WILL be acting cool tmrw when S comes down to the Science Museum - which has a late opening for adults =)

6. Jay leaves to return to New York Saturday =(

Encoded on Ams' iPhone

Momentum

When a boulder is stationary it has virtually no momentum. But give it but a slight push & the speed at which it picks up momentum is both spectacular & inevitable esp when it's on a slope.

I am that boulder. But I don't feel particularly momentus at the moment.

Trouble is I'm not sure I'm ready to be pushed.. but I hate regret more than anything else in the world & I refuse to live by any of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's that usually plague the minds of the many.. so whilst I was out & about.. in the spirit of forward momentum & networking I did something that surprised even me - I gave my number to a guy completely out of my league. The first time since my break-up. Momentus hardly feels adequate to describe it.

Ultimately whether or not Olli chooses to call.. at least I went home without any regrets and a sense of winning a small victory.

New Year Resolutions

Blimey how on Earth has another year passed me by already? There is so much I have yet to do, so many things yet to see, so so so very many things.

This is about the time of my yearly dit where I look back on the year gone.

This has been one of the best & most interesting years of my life and at the same time the worse too.

Whilst my initial meeting with X was a sexually charged cat & mouse game.. the relationship we now share has evolved well beyond that. He has earnt the rank & position of one of my dearest friends. He is akin to family now - that essentially sums up everything perfectly.

With him (X) in my life many many others have come. Some have stayed.. some have gone. But the important ones have all stayed & my relationship with them all has gone from strenght to strenght. Through him I met the Twin. And well she merits a specific standalone mention.

I met Charles this year too. I'll just say lessons have been learnt & leave it at that. However I do think he will forever define & shape my future relationships. But like they say 'live and learn'.

Meeting Jules & Jay for the first time - no words there. So great.

I suppose this now leaves the need to look forward. Unlike previous years I'm not gonna make a chain of New Year Resolutions but just a few:

1. BE HAPPY
2. DRAW TANGIBLE BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE & FAMILY
3. PUT MYSELF FIRST MORE OFTEN

Not sure how I'll achieve this but I'll be damned if I don't try.