Friday, 26 March 2010

A 24 Hour Deficit

I swear it feels like each day at the moment is just too short.. and funnily enough it feels short by all 24 hours.

I've been meaning to post something for weeks without much luck. But as today marks (I think) the third anniversary of me fully coming out to everyone in my life (family included) I suppose the subject demands some limelight.

What a long and arduous journey it has been. It's had joy, tears, pleasure, anger, love, fear, passion, confusion and a whole bundle of laughs.

Maybe it's the fact that I've been conversing fairly recently with someone who is still at the infancy of his journey in discovering who he really is and who he wants to be.. that as I stand here.. I truly feel the magnitude of what it is I've managed to achieve in the last few years.

As you all know I'm always keen on preserving the anonymity of those I blog about so for the purposes of this post we'll call said guy Jazz.

Well what to say about Jazz - I met him a few years ago during a fashion show I took part in.. in aid of a charity I've been an avid supporter of for many years now. I quite literally jumped up at the chance to partake in a fashion show to help them raise much needed money. Anyways I knew even then that he was more than likely to be gay but with some guys you feel that they aren't ready to embrace that aspect of their life yet or discuss it so you tend to give them their space.

Anyways in typical me mode I'm digressing.

One thing I wish I had when I was coming to terms with my sexuality was someone to talk to, someone to tell me how it is, someone to offer words of advice, someone to reassure me things were gonna be okay, someone to vent to, but most importantly someone just like me who knew what I was going through and was there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to. Someone to act as that support network so essential when taking those first few steps.

I never did have that and well I know how hard that is and was.. so I do try and be that someone when I can. I can see myself being that support for Jazz. And well truth be told even if I help Jazz with 1% of his journey.. it'll be well worth it. Maybe in a year or 10 when Jazz's completed his journey.. he might help somone else who might need a shoulder to lean on or a hand to steady them or someone to remind them they aren't alone. I've always loved the idea of pay-it-forward.

Well I'm not pyschic so I don't know whether this would have happened without a little push from me but Jazz has just started university and with a few words of encouragment he told a few of his uni mates he was gay. As someone who had never really told anyone he was gay.. I told Jazz that uni was a great opportunity to be whoever the hell you want to be (sometimes I wish I knew that back then), but he took my advice and told his closest girlfriends and well they took it great and I hope those positive reactions will carry him forward for sometime to come.

Anyways guess all I wanted to say was.. no matter who you are or where you are in your journey... never forget there are lots of others sailing that boat with you. Be yourself. It ain't easy but things do get better - take me as an example. Don't regret the people I've told even the few that reacted negatively.


Ams' iPhone

Sunday, 14 February 2010

M Is For Marriage

I've always thought that people who dwell too deeply in the lives of others usually do so because they are so unhappy with their own lives.. that interfering, condemning, goading, not supporting, applying pressure, expecting from or even gossiping about others - gives not only some semblance of purpose to their miserable shitty existence.. but for those moments they forget how shite it is to be them.

Is that a harsh point of view? Maybe, maybe not, but I think as I think. Maybe I'm acidic about it coz I'm a little frustrated about it right now.

Recently I graced the shores of India - after almost 10 years and if I'm being honest with myself I never liked being there even 10 years ago.

The worst thing about India is that the substantially different culture and mentality of the country's inhabitants are harder to digest than stone. 

As an unmarried 27 year old in India.. I'm at the latter end of the "appropriate age" for marriage and this means EVERY person in my family older than me is married or engaged. 

So what does this mean to me?

Well it means that I'm fair game and it is the personal responsibility of ALL the elders in India (by elders.. I mean those my age & above) to ensure I'm tamed and settled down immediately. And this should be done without holding back. It's a matter of importance that can not be given anything less than their full-focus.

This apparently isn't so much in my interest mind.. it's about me looking after Masi (Aunt) and my parents.. which according to every familial resident of India is the responsibility of my currently non-existent wife.

Now I do appreciate that those of my grandparents generation want to see all their grandchildren married, settled and producing 'sprogs'.. and I even can stomach them saying as much. Honestly.. I can. 

What it is that pisses me off is the undue pressure and constant harranging. Like serious.. tell me once a few times when you meet me.. maybe a couple more times as you talk to me.. maybe even a parting comment.

But seriously 163 times in less than an hour? That takes the biscuit in my book especially when that's the first and only time I'm ever likely to meet you.

And I swear that was the amount of times just one person went on about it.. you can imagine how many others were like that.. none quite as bad mind but still there were several contenders very closely behind.

The flash of annoyance and anger that must have been evident on my face everytime someone so much as mentioned the word marriage must have carried. I'm sure of it. I don't suffer fools gladly and have always been crap at masking my annoyance.

When I was asked if I had a girlfriend.. it was easy enough to say NO.. it's true afterall. There is no girlfriend. No-one asked if there was a boyfriend. That would have been harder to evade. I would certainly not have lied and said no if someone had asked but I would not have answered. It would have been a case of evade evade evade.

I will note that despite everything I didn't cave into the pressure.. which I have to admit was far worse than I had anticipated. 

But what got me.. and it REALLY REALLY did get me.. was the realisation that I'll never be able to have a partner that truly fits into my all aspects of my life. I will never be able to escape it. I will forever be awkwardly single, unmarried and incomplete as far as all these people are concerned. Wifeless and empty.. never able to share my love, my life, my partner openly, freely, comfortably or happily. I will forever have a shield around my life.. a guard of privacy and isolation. I'll never be able to walk into a room of family members with my partner as my partner. To them I'll be alone. Forever and always.

And for someone whose family is as important as it is to me.. well that hurt. That hurt more than I can articulate.

And that for reasons that I couldn't fathom.. that really really depressed me. I had thought I was past this. Past allowing this to hold me down. Past letting it affect me. Past caring. But guess like so many other things.. I must have been kidding myself.

Sent from Ams' iPhone.