Ache of a Bleeding Heart

I'm resisting. Damn.. how hard it is that I'm resisting is difficult to convey herewith.. the desire to just say the things that ought to be said is overwhelming but I won't rise to his bait.. I will not nitpick every slanderous comment he makes. Afterall I've outgrown the hair-pulling & name-calling antics of school kids. And I'm well above simple taunts.

As I stated in my previous post.. I've recently been on holiday. A much needed respite from my recent bitter-giltedged life.. and jeez it was good. Just what I needed. My next post will be about that but for now I have another topic in mind as you might have noticed.

Now when one has been blogging for a while it's hardly surprising when bloggers start coming together. A fellow blogger who is a trust-worthy & decent individual is a mutual friend to both Charles & I. We'll call this individual Judgement. Thing with me is that I've never asked anyone to refrain from speaking, emailing, texting or meeting up with Charles.. just coz I have a grievance with Charles I can't see why that would impact anyone else's dealings with him. I'm above that. In fact I've specifically told all of my mates that have met him that I'm alright with them keeping in touch with him. I'd prefer that they didn't but I'm not about to tell them that. That's a decision each person is entitled to make themselves.

I had thought I had made myself clear on that. So I was taken aback when I received numerous calls, emails & texts from mutual friend Judgement in somewhat of a panicked state finally the text reading "ring me now" made me pick up the phone immediately. Normally when I'm on holiday I prefer being unreachable. When I rang Judgement.. I was given a breakdown of Charles' recent actions/activities on his blog.
What Charles chooses to say on his blog really doesn't bother me so I thanked Judgement for said concern but said it wasn't warranted.. for those that read both blogs I refer herewith to the post about the laptop (I don't have a link as I choose not to read his blog). I believe he has granted me access to his blog but I have not tested it recently.. I only figured out that I had access when I accidentally clicked a link one day and was able to view his blog. I chose to hit backspace and continue as if that hadn't happened. A personal choice.

What I didn't have an answer for was Judgement's question: "why do you tolerate Charles bad-mouthing you".

I had much to say to Judgement but only replied with "he's welcome to say whatever he wants.. I know the truth so I at least can attempt to sleep peacefully at night".

"He has said some awful things about you on his blog and other other's blogs" Judgement tells me. I know this as I've read slanderous comments he has left on the blogs I've followed for ages. I'm not sure what Judgement expected me to say in return or understand why I was so blasé about it all.. maybe Judgement expected me to ask what exactly was being said. I didn't. So after a while Judgement said "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course buddy.. but I'm not promising that I'll answer." It's a very typical me answer.

"What I don't get is why he slags you off.. what do you think he thinks he is achieving. On one hand he says you were the worse boyfriend ever.. and on the other that he'd do anything to get you back. He is a walking enigma."

Not quite a question I realize but that's what Judgement asks. I chose to evade the question, the last thing I want to get into is a conversation about Charles' faults. So I reply with "LOL. You can't use the word enigma.. that's my word."

"You're trying to change the subject. OK sod it. You win. I'll say no more. You borrowed his laptop right?" I assume this was the question Judgement wanted to ask.. and it felt every bit a leading question.

Confused as to how Judgement knows that - I answer attempting to nip this topic in the bud "Yeah. He was really there for me and gave it to me when my computer stopped working but when we broke up I didn't want to keep it so I gave it back"

Judgement pauses and I sense the hesitation before he says "You're not gonna wanna know this but he's recovered all the files you deleted"

I must admit Judgement was right.. I definitely didn't want or need to know that. The truth is it hardly surprised me.. I've dated the guy so I know only to well how obsessive & controlling he can be. This is typical Charles behaviour. Assuming he'd find some dirt on me. One can only find dirt when some exists. I rest assured that nothing was even on that laptop that could fuel his delusions. After our first date he told me things that made it crystal clear he was using the Internet to stalk everything I had "out there". In fact that should have been the first warning sign but at the time I put it down to his curiosity. He even located a comment I had made on a Pokemon forum back in my teens.. which not even I can find myself anymore.

Slightly disturbed now with Charles I reply with "It's fine. I had some songs, some pictures, my Warcraft & iTunes account, and my book (which I must admit I wish he didn't have) so nothing which I'm particularly stressed about. But thanks for telling me. Is there anything else?"

Maybe my tone was a little off and so for that I apologise to Judgement herewith.

"He says you caused a scene at his workplace.. what's that all about" Judgement asks me.

"Ummm. He came to my workplace and dropped off his front doors keys. When I realised what he had done I returned them to the reception of his workplace. I said nothing more than 'please pass this onto Charles' to the receptionist and walked away. Anyways Judgement I better go this call is costing me both my arms & a leg" I say with my finger hovering over the end call button.

"He thinks you went on holiday with X." Judgement practically yells at me before my finger can cancel the call. If silence can be loud.. at this moment it is deafening.

He's floored me. I'm shocked and outraged. I've tried my level best to ensure that Charles can't keep tabs on me. I've even restricted my blog which goes against my entire blog's motto. I'm floored as to how he has figured out I'm on holiday. I feel my voice waver and I know that if I am to talk it won't hold so I give myself a few moments to recover. My stomach turns and my mind races. Silly thoughts and questions like "is someone who has access to my blog spying on me for him" fill my mind. Then I realize I have an "out of office" autoreply on my work email address. He's obviously made up a new email address again to get around the blocks I have on all his other emails he's used. He must be using that and the international ringing when he dails my mobile. A familiar bell rings in my head & I switch off. My sarcasm flares.. "I did."

Judgement pauses.. obviously thinking this was a serious conversation. But I sense that Judgement isn't sure if I'm messing around or not.

I feel like I should release Judgement from the snare I've unwittingly snared Judgement in. "I did. My mother is really X in disguise." I can't help but laugh. I physically laugh out loud. That is the level of Charles' delusions that even when I'm on holiday with my family in his mind I'm with X.

I find that the anger and annoyance that was coursing through me quickly turns into pity. I actually felt pity for him in that moment - in order to elicit sympathy he is making up such shite on his blog. And then I feel grateful that the more outrageous the allegations and slanderous the comments the easier he makes moving on for me.

I bid Judgement farewell. I jokingly thank him for ruining my holiday - but in actual fact it had the opposite effect. I feel free from it. Above it all. Strange that.

Judgement's call simply made think that I'm just really glad that I've now broken my ties with him. I do wish him luck with whoever next tickles his fancy. In fact I'm really looking forward to the day I'm not the focal point of all his delusions & obsessions. But deep down I know that I will feel for the person who enters his life.. especially considering I've had to endure the darker side to his character & personality and I hope and pray that no one has to endure that side of him. Maybe just maybe.. he'll get a better boyfriend than me and live happily ever after.

Sent from my iPhone