The Muddy Waters of '09

As the end of 2009 creeps closer and closer the sum of the highs & lows of the year gone comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave. What can I say on how this year has fared?

This year like many before it, has been an evolutionary journey of self-discovery, grit, frustrations, love, successes and failures, amongst many other things. Each step on the rung of the ladder has highlighted the need to establish priorities and find balance with the multiple aspects of my life.

Whilst I have struggled with some destructive relationships I also found love in the most unexpected of places, in the most unexpected of people this year.  I have made new friends, built indestructable foundations with some, lost or walked away from few, but worse I have neglected some, and sadly I don't think there has been a shortage of these this year. I will ensure that the New Year brings appropriate changes to that front. This year has seen me rid myself of some bad habits, some bigger, more noticable than others.

Mentally & emotionally this year has been a turbulent ride. I feel like the more I reach out and try to hold on to things from my past and present the faster they slip away.

Things I've learnt this year:
- It will take me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- I'm capable of continuing on long after what I think I am
  capable of.
- People who love me dearly, sometimes don't know how to
  show it.
- People who I love dearly, don't always know.
- It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes I
  have to learn to forgive myself.

Now, I eagerly await the birth of 2010.

For all those that stop here, I wish you a successful New Year. Wishing you all laughter, happiness, love, health and prosperity.

Peace

Sent from Ams' iPhone

Butterfly

There are millions of butterflies
Yet only one I call a friend

There are a thousand reasons why
But I can only think of one

It’s the only one that called me broken
Yet it said it liked me

Only broken butterflies can’t fly after all
It thinks me strange

I trapped it in a jar
Couldn’t bear to let it go

But then I saw it shed a tear
So I let it go

But it said maybe I needed a friend
So it refused to fly away

I leaned in and said go fly away
Go be with those like you

It shook its head and bit its wings off
It held them out

For you so you can be free it said
Then it fell asleep

There might be a million butterflies
Yet only one I called a friend

Pleasant Surprises

I’d like to think I know my friends pretty well. But there are always moments when one says something that even in a million years you’d never have been expected or even been prepared for.

Hmm I’ve kinda lost track of the names I’ve given some friends for blog purposes, but for the illustration of this post, we’ll call said friend Yazelda.

Several months ago, Yazelda invited me and a few other close friends to his place for a sleepover. Now hold tight for this statement: But as a kid I was never really allowed to partake in anything resembling a sleepover – unless it was family. So as an aspect of my repressed childhood I usually leap at suggestions of sleepovers - invitation in hand off I went (old familial restrictions no longer hold sway with me).

So as part of the evening entertainment – we decided to play “Truth or Dare”. Now there was a time ago where the idea of playing such a game (and the dares that could ensue) would have had me trembling in fear but the years have made me coarser, blunter, less reserved, shameless and more confident.

I don’t think I got any dares or truths that even came close to making me blush but what caught me off guard was when someone asked Yazelda the question ‘with exception of your boyfriend, who in this room would you go out with?’ (maybe it was have sex with.. I don’t recall)’.

Now as far as I’m concerned Yazelda is by far the best looking guy in the room.

Now with several good looking guys in the room – the Dancer, the Italian (I’ve definitely mentioned him before), the PR Boi (cute and sweet), and Lips (damn the guy has the brightest pink lips I’ve ever seen - FYI the second best looking guy in room after Yazelda in my opinion) – I’m therefore totally unprepared when yazelda says ‘Amit’. I was expecting him to say Lips or Dancer.

I’m sure I’ve misheard. I know I don’t look like a troll but I don’t expect to be picked over Lips or the Dancer. I just don’t. It's only when he looks up and smiles that it sinks in that he did indeed say me.

Strange. That really really did surprise me.

Just goes to show that you should never think someone is out of your league. Takes me back to high school.. when I fancied this girl called V. Man I dotted over this girl for over four years, and on the fifth year of knowing her, when the crush had lost its hold.. I was a little drunk when I turned to her in a pub, took hold of her shoulders, looked her in level in the eye and said ‘You know.. you might not have ever known this. But I had the biggest crush on you in high school’. She kept her gaze level and said ‘Well you might not have known this but I had a crush on you too back then.’

So the motto is: Never hold back. If you fancy someone, or ever fancied someone that doesn’t know.. do yourself a favour and go tell them. You never know what the result will be.

Congrats

Is this a dream? Yes yes yes it is..

He leaned in closer and they gazed into each other's eyes.

"What you looking at?" One said to the other.
"Have I told you that you have the most amazing eyes"
"Who me? Nah that's just you being cheesy"
"Shuddup fool. Why is it so hard for you to take a compliment?"
"I dunno. I don't see myself in the same light you claim to see me in"
"You always were a little crazy. So what did you wanna ask me?"
"This might sound kind of crazy but why don't we move in together?"
"No"
"No?"
"Yeah. No"
"Why not?"
"Coz I have a better idea"
"Really? And what's that?"
"Marry me!"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah"

I guess I should say congratulations.

So Why?

I don’t fall for anyone easily.

Nope siree.

No way.

Not a chance.

I’m easily flattered though.

But fall?

Nope.

I’m often easily taken by someone.

But fall?

[SSD shakes his head]

I occasionally even blush.

Rarely.

Believe me it has been known to happen though.

But.

And.

I.

Stress.

This.

I.

Certainly.

Definitely.

Don’t.

Fall.

Hard.

Or.

Easily.

So why does it feel like I am?

What's In A Word

For some strange reason whilst I’m completely comfortable with being gay now and happy to tell anyone I meet that I am BUT (and its a big but) I can’t use the phrase.. I’m gay.. it’s always I’m not straight.

Strange that.

Colour

I just felt that the former blog's look was just a tad too drab.

Pah I'd forgotten how much of a pain in the ass changing the template can be.

Well I'm pleased to say I like the final outcome.

Kinky Boots

I don't think I've ever been a Man's Man. You know the kind I mean. I've never been into sports, cars, DIY.. I'm oblivious to all that.

But then that said I don't think I've ever been particularly feminine either. I certainly don't do the elaborate hand gestures when I talk and when I do play the gay card I more often than not, put it on... shrieking OMG just doesn't come naturally. Don't get me wrong: it a bucket load of fun sometimes to play gay..

It's almost like fate comes along and gives me a good kicking when it appears I might be forgeting what it means to be gay.

My friend Chris shrieked in horror the other day when we were talking gay, drag and boots, when I admitted I'd never watched the movie Kinky Boots. Truth be told I'd never even heard of it. Suffice to say, it took her no more than a day to start the process of rectifying that.

I don't review well.. but for those who might not have seen the movie - I stress - GO AND BLADDY WELL SEE IT. The word fabulous barely does it justice.

[Soul Seared Dreamer sings: These boots are made for walking. And someday these boots are gonna walk all over you]

Sadness

I can't honestly say I'm back - but for some strange reason the desire to blog again has resurfaced and I won't fight it. Maybe it's a good thing.. maybe it means I'm getting back to my old self.. maybe its nothing more than boredom.

What fills me with sadness about being around in the blogosphere again - is just how many blogs I followed, & loved, seem to have disappeared, or have simply been abandoned.

Rediscoveries

Everyone has a few favourite songs.. the origins of why they are so are often so insignificant that it is difficult to put a finger on it, or sometimes so momentous that the reasons are etched into the very depths of the song.

Yet there are songs which have not graced my ears in soo very long, which, despite the harrowing effects of time I can still literally mouth word to word without so much as a mistake.. yet strangely I often struggle to recall things that are actually important like people’s names, birthdays, where we first met, what they were wearing yesterday, the length of their hair, secrets they shared with me.

Having been born into a Western Country makes me take my understanding of the English language for granted sometimes. Strange thing with the English language is how words, sentences can only mean or imply a single meaning. It’s not often I sit there and attempt to interpret what is being said, or what a specific sentence means. It’s incredible how other languages aren’t actually like that. Hindi for instance can not be interpreted with any kind of ease, each word, each nuance, each sentence can mean a multiple of things. Each one unique to the interpreter’s own understanding, own philology, fluency and passion. The only true & accurate interpretation can come from the origin itself.

I recall when I did the translation of two very specific songs from a Hindi film called Jodhaa Akbar: Jashn-e-Baharaa and In Lamhon Ke Daaman Mein. I literally put my heart and soul into deciphering what every single word meant. I lost count of the people I had to contact to get their interpretation of specific lyrics in those two. It was a mixture of Hindi and Urdu, and not basic Hindi and Urdu but Elite Hindi and Urdu, which surprisingly is very difficult from the casual basic variety. I felt like the only person who could honestly tell me would have been A. R. Rahman who composed those songs.

It amazes me just how much I threw into that translation. I’ve done many others over the years but never one so tough and challenging; I can’t explain the satisfaction when I completed them.

I was browsing Shell’s blog when I read a comment about her appreciate of music, and it made me think of two songs Zara Zara, from Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein, and Kehna Hi Kya, from Bombay. I had both songs on my iPhone and whilst listening to Zara Zara I began writing the lyrics down in English. I knew I had already translated Kehna Hi Kya a while ago but never before had I attempted to do Zara Zara. I enjoyed every minute. Its great when you rediscover a hobby you really enjoyed but don’t do anymore.

Here’s to rediscovering the things I don’t do anymore.

Damn

You know you've been away too long when it's a struggle to remember your password.. damn!

14 tries and I can't recall which one worked.. not a great start.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

Having grown beyond its constraints.. the Butterfly emerges.. it's transition complete.. who would say that this creature could emerge from such a simple thing as a caterpillar. That's now I feel with the very world laying at my feet.

I feel a few updates are necessary - this may or may not be relevant or interest you but oh well:

1. I handed in my notice at work almost 3 months ago and finish working with my current employer in 3 more days. I'm sad to leave but the heart desired a greater challenge.

2. I'll be starting a new job in April. Which gives me just over a month to acclimatise and relax and unwind and to this end I'll be ditching the UK shores & spending 2 weeks in Dubai and just under a week in Barcelona.

3. Olli didn't call

4. Cue S. S for clarification is the guy I met when I went to see a performance of Oliver Twist. Jay bless was so not acting cool that night. But oh well everyone needs to be embarrassed once in a while. LOL.

5. GIL has invited me to the Science Museum tmrw night. Jay WILL be acting cool tmrw when S comes down to the Science Museum - which has a late opening for adults =)

6. Jay leaves to return to New York Saturday =(

Encoded on Ams' iPhone

Momentum

When a boulder is stationary it has virtually no momentum. But give it but a slight push & the speed at which it picks up momentum is both spectacular & inevitable esp when it's on a slope.

I am that boulder. But I don't feel particularly momentus at the moment.

Trouble is I'm not sure I'm ready to be pushed.. but I hate regret more than anything else in the world & I refuse to live by any of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's that usually plague the minds of the many.. so whilst I was out & about.. in the spirit of forward momentum & networking I did something that surprised even me - I gave my number to a guy completely out of my league. The first time since my break-up. Momentus hardly feels adequate to describe it.

Ultimately whether or not Olli chooses to call.. at least I went home without any regrets and a sense of winning a small victory.

New Year Resolutions

Blimey how on Earth has another year passed me by already? There is so much I have yet to do, so many things yet to see, so so so very many things.

This is about the time of my yearly dit where I look back on the year gone.

This has been one of the best & most interesting years of my life and at the same time the worse too.

Whilst my initial meeting with X was a sexually charged cat & mouse game.. the relationship we now share has evolved well beyond that. He has earnt the rank & position of one of my dearest friends. He is akin to family now - that essentially sums up everything perfectly.

With him (X) in my life many many others have come. Some have stayed.. some have gone. But the important ones have all stayed & my relationship with them all has gone from strenght to strenght. Through him I met the Twin. And well she merits a specific standalone mention.

I met Charles this year too. I'll just say lessons have been learnt & leave it at that. However I do think he will forever define & shape my future relationships. But like they say 'live and learn'.

Meeting Jules & Jay for the first time - no words there. So great.

I suppose this now leaves the need to look forward. Unlike previous years I'm not gonna make a chain of New Year Resolutions but just a few:

1. BE HAPPY
2. DRAW TANGIBLE BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE & FAMILY
3. PUT MYSELF FIRST MORE OFTEN

Not sure how I'll achieve this but I'll be damned if I don't try.